,To explain the methodology of what occurred the other morning, when I kicked Kadeem out, would benefit you. Hindsight is 20/20, and maybe just maybe we could have continued to progress but it would only be on HIS terms and not my own. He was wrong for coming into my life and expecting me to be there with open arms after breaking my heart. His indecisiveness then, would more than likely strike again and leave me in a worst position than before. Kadeem is a lovely man, but he has a lot of growing to do, as do I. “Why not grow together?” you ask, I love him but I cannot sacrifice or silence my feelings to indulge in the nostalgia that once was. Maybe in a perfect world we would have been able to thrive, but currently, right now, that fails to be the case. Who knows what’s to come.
My priorites will have to be putting our children first. I cannot hate him, and I will always love him, but right now I’m not ready to accept what he’s bringing my way. Kadeem, my love, we need to remain best friends, because raising beautiful children will require that so that their happiness come first. I will always be in your deepest gratitude for blessing me with these two royal beings. You work on you and I work on me; eventually we’ll become the better version of ourselves. As the years pass, we’ve seen each other encounter new lovers but it was never on the magnitude of the love we offered each other. Maybe what we had was sacred and just too powerful to even be expressed in this dimension but it was one of my most savored feelings of love. I love that it is never awkward around you and that we can act as a confidant for each other when need be. I love our new found maturity and respect that we have for each other. And I love whatever’s meant to come of this. Occasionally, you invite me out and so forth, but we’ve grown to learn how to handle certain affairs to be supportive and respectful to both of our beings and our children. A few months ago, I found out you were moving for a new job opportunity and you hesitated telling me for reasons that were, beyond, obvious to me. Both happiness and distraught were battling for first place in my heart, but above all I knew this was destined to happen. Whatever he had established for himself would better him, our kids, and inadvertently myself. I lit three candles for him every week; one for prosperity, one for happiness, and one for knowledge. He would call every now and again to annoy me, and honestly I didn’t mind. When we met we were best friends, turned lovers. Now we are lovers, turned best friends. We were brought to this point for a reason and to serve as a lesson to those, in love. The love we have for each other will always be prolific. I’ve revisited you in many forms, Isis, Oshun, Yamaya, and now Kiera, as you were my Osiris, Oya, Ogun, and now Kadeem; star crossed lovers for a lack of better terms. This on-going war between love and lust severed our bond earlier, but the love was strong enough to survive and bring two beautiful children into fruition. Maybe we broke the cycle that our ancestors wanted because our love, has not disappeared but rather transformed in a way that serves both of us. Maybe the next choice of star crossed lovers will get it together faster than we did. Áse Rule 7: Understand and come to terms with the crossroads that life brings you to. At first you might not understand, but trust me it will make sense in the end. Those who are meant to stay, will. Their role might change,but they will remain a constant. Oh yeah, if you’re shooting your shot, shoot wisely.
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The morning after still surprises me.
I woke up to being tightly protected by muscles and the aroma of a man. I looked over and he was still asleep, as if he were busy the entire night. I gingerly stepped out of bed and proceeded cautiously to the kitchen, trying to avoid making any unnecessary noise. You know, Kadeem has never been the type to clean up messes, his own or others, so when I walked into the kitchen I was completely astonished. The kitchen was extremely spotless, the food was put away, the dishes were washed, dried, and placed in their respectable places, the countertop was wiped down of any debris, and the floors were swept. It felt refreshing to have someone else do for you, that you've been doing by yourself for years. My mouth began to water for some cinnamon-sugary taste of Cap'n Crunch and coconut milk. I decided to be nice and bring brotha man a bowl to wake up to. I find myself just always watching and admiring him. Maybe, this is just a way of me trying to understand his motives. I really cannot fathom why he's here right now, out of the blue. Ya know, asides from the fact that I rang his line, but its just why is he back in general. After breakfast, an awkward silence possessed the two of us and it forced difficult questions to be asked. Finally it came out, "If you were not ready to be married, why are you here now? Why are you wasting my time, again?" Again, this rage took over me but this time, I refused to let tears take control of the wheel. Of course, the "I'm a dumb ass" look was plastered over his face. His inability to give me an answer, even after waiting minutes for another round of awkward silence to pass, prompted me to kick his tail out. The hooting and the hollering was not going to win me over this time and neither was his sorry ass sob story. Rule 6: Lasting love is forgiveness as well as effort to do better. But if negative actions are continuous, leave them. A few nights have passed since I last saw Kareem, and tonight this Barefoot Red Wine has me truly feeling myself. Kareem has been on my mind and I decided to call him up. He hears the slurs and withdrawls in my speech and asks, “Woman have you been drinking?!”, whether I’ve been drinking or not is clearly none of his business. Abruptly, one thing led to another and the time gap was closed by a single ring to my door bell. Standing in front of my door was a fresh cut, cleanly shaved, and manly-scented man who was the love of my life. Was it the liquor embleshing his beauty or was it just him? Hmm.
Again, he just stands there looking at me. He began to laugh and procliam how something never changed. Between you and I, I’ve always been a light weight. Back in the day when we would go out, ‘Reem would ration my drinks because once that liquor kicked in and my eyes got low—all I could imagine was slowly stripping him down to his bare skin and kissing every spot where he’s been hurt and praising everything that made him a man. Tonight, nothing has changed. I stand there with my head tilted pouring up another glass just staring at him. This time with more intent. This time noticing the slight grays in his hair. This time noticing the scars on his hands. This time noticing the muscles that highlights his beauty. I asked him if he wanted a cup and he refused. Hmm. He proceeds to my kitchen and notices that nothing is on the stove. He laughs again and says that someone is getting lazy. Rolling my eyes, I waltzed into the kitchen and asked him what he wanted—he said he wanted to treat me tonight and to go shower and pamper myself. The shower helped to sober me up a little but it also had me double guessing what I got myself into. With my hair wet and curly and skin lathered in oils and shea butter, I threw on an old college t-shirt and sweats and cautiously walked out. Whatever he was cooking had the house smelling warm and rich with spices. It’s been a while since I had someone cook for me so this was therapeutic. I lit a few vanilla candles and sat down and poured myself up another round. I told myself whatever happens tonight, happens; tomorrow is a new day. Rule 5:: We all indulge in our guilty pleasures, just be sure that it’s something that doesn’t compromise your morals or values. |
A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
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