Moving forward, I’ve come to the understanding that I need to work on myself before allowing anything in. Working on myself will allow the greatest woman to come into my life and bless me. Maybe its her, but right now it we are not for each other. Me. Thats what I’m working on. Being a better me, will allow me to be the greatest man, for this greater woman…whoever she happens to be. Of course, I’ll be living as any man should but I’m more concerned with the sensible.
Does her views align with mine? Is she willing to accept love and let go of baggage? Is she open to being open, with me? Are we willing to do whatever it takes to make it to forever? Are we both willing to forgive? Are you over shit that is not conducive to a healthy relationship? If we both are able to answer these questions, I know she’s for me. I’m over looking for this cookie cutter image of her, well the old her. Maybe that was my problem when I was searching. I’m looking for someone who can meet me at least half way and then work with me to the top. Whatever happens, our souls will always be tied to each other. Its just a matter of maneuvering around it, until whatever is to come. If we are meant to be, she will be the one who I get down on bended knee for. If not, she will be the one supporting me from the shadows. The crossing of our souls was not accidental, but for now the distance will make us grow. Rule #7 : love yourself. everything falls in love after this. take time and work on yourself. Invest everything that you can in making your happiness as concrete as possible. Invest in branding yourself and creating a life that establishes longevity, for yourself!
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A few months breeze by and I notice that my happiness isn’t constant. Drinking allows me to temporarily forget that maybe, just maybe I lost the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I cannot find any sort of solace in this moment. Bad habits become second nature to me, “Why couldn’t I just tell her that she was what I wanted, that she was what I consider to be everything that a woman should be.” Was I afraid of actually admitting it to her or was I afraid of actually committing again? This life style isn’t all that its cracked up to be. The females satisfy you for the moment, but to have someone who is there, day in and day out is truly a blessing. I just allowed mine to just up and leave my life. Hopefully this will all make sense soon…
Rule #6 timing is everything. trust what universe is doing. TRUST ME, it might now seem like things don’t make sense, but remember the universe is preparing YOU for your future Bruh. WHY. She has this hold on me and honestly, I don’t know why. I’ve been doing me. I can’t have sex with enough girls to forget her. Every girl I meet has to have qualities of her, but we both know we are bad for each other…so why? I told her I was free later on this week. I make sure my place is spotless, made sure theres no evidence of any female lingering, made sure there were no marks left on my body…if she’s coming all the way over here, she possibly wants something, right?
Friday finally arrives and so does she. Wow, after not seeing or hearing from her for months, I really forgot what a beauty she was. She gave me a hug, and damn did she smell good; it was a light and lusty warm vanilla. I had to control myself, I know its been a while. So we’re sitting and talking and everything felt so comfortable, this is what I missed. She said she’ll prepare dinner and I just sat there and watched her. I don’t know man, I felt this surge of feelings for her hit me in my gut. We head to the dining room to eat and to talk. She does this awkward thing where she sits far from me and okay..here comes the bullshit. She tells me she’s done her hardest to forget me and she knows I’ve done the same. But, it seems like the universe thwarted every attempt that came her way. She tells me that despite all of our efforts, we just hurt each other in the end…if we meant all of this to each to each other why couldn’t we get it right? I guess I couldn’t give her an answer fast enough, so she got up and left. As her presence left me for good, I was left speechless; her entity stole every last word that my mouth could have possibly uttered. Rule 5: not everything lasts, its okay. Just allow yourself to understand that A couple days after the house party, I got a call from a familiar voice, but I couldn’t match a face to it. It was Erika, she enjoyed our little rendezvous and she wanted to meet me today for lunch; its refreshing to have the female pursue you, ya know. I met her at some off the grid spot in Williamsburg, I always loved Brooklyn, so I guess this “date” was off to a good start. She greets me with an awkward hug and we sit down. She immediately says to me, ”About the other night…I’m usually not ‘that’ kind of girl…but there’s something about you that I couldn’t resist” we sit there and laugh it off. She was cool, mind like Badu but sex appeal like Riri kind of vibe. She wanted to continue seeing me, but I was a little hesitant. I’m working toward longevity, should I wife up the girl who gave it up to me the first night? I respect her honesty so much though, I feel like why the hell not? —she’s gorgeous, she’s funny, she has a lot going for herself, I mean those are basic wife-y qualities.
As the weeks progress, we grow closer. Its weird, I didn’t think that moving on, especially from my ex would be so easy, but damn look at me doing the damn thing. Now, listen I’m still a single man exploring my options, but there’s something about this girl that seems a little familiar. I can quite put my finger on it, but I feel like I’ve been here before. Finally, she hits me with the “what are we.” I told her that we are two people with common interests just enjoying the moment. You guessed it, this pissed her off to the point where she cusses me off and storms off. And just like clock work, I get a text from my ex…”we need to talk…” Rule 4: some people aren’t ready for the truth. Take your time with your decisions, whats meant for you will always be for you. |
A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
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