A feeling of disgusts takes permanent residency on my face. I really need to know if he bumped his head and forgot the reason why we are in the space we are now.
Two years ago, you left. You left. You left me at my lowest. How dare you. You left me and acted as if the six years I spent dedicating to us. You left me while we were building a family. You left me and went out looking for something else days later. How fucking dare you. You left me and chose to only show up to pick your kids up without an explanation for the previous infractions. What, you finally realized that the women you were looking at were temporary and only fed your ego? I’m having a difficult time understand why you would ever dare to show your face here. Riddle me as to why you’re here. He goes on to explain what happened. He’s telling me that after six years he was just not ready to be married; after six years you finally decide to tell me that? He was telling me he didn’t deserve me, so honestly who’s to say you deserve me now? He’s telling me that I loved him so passionately but he just couldn’t grasp it because his father was not there and he was just afraid of not knowing what to do when it came to marriage. Again, I couldn’t grasp it; your father’s walked out and because he wasn’t there for you, you want to repeat that cycle to me and your kids, your kids?! This man really had some nerve. He just continues to go on and on and honestly it’s just going in one ear and out the next. I’m just not here for it. The anger just devoured me and the tears soon followed. This man who I gave two beautiful children to has hurt me because of his inhibitions. He was perfect for me and it just hurts to hear all of it, but my pain is mine and I know I’m not wrong for feeling any of it. I wish that I could just hug him and kiss the pain away but no, I’m tired of healing others and pushing my pain to the side to continue to heal others. Somehow, the distance between us disappears and he ends up with his arms around me and wrapping me in his warm embrace. He kisses my third eye and just continuously apologizing for leaving. Once I pulled myself together, I asked him to leave and he was confused but he followed suit. I walked him to the door and had to find all the strength in me to close him out, for a few. Once he left, the fireplace, a glass of wine, and my tears kept my company for the night; my loneliness comforted me in this moment of vulnerability. Rule #4 : Learn to heal from the past, it will sneak up on you when you least expect it and knock on your front door. Do not allow others to suffer due to your open wounds. Also, learn to accept the reality that some people cannot heal unless they are OPEN to healing.
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A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
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