,I find myself keep circling in and out, of what I perceive to be love. Exhaustion not only plagues my face, but it also plagues my heart. It gets draining when you find yourself giving away pieces of your vitality to anyone and everyone willing to take it. Maybe, just maybe, that right there is my issue; I’m looking for love in every nook and cranny. But honestly who the hell wants to date a Black woman in her mid-twenties with two kids?…yeah that’s what I thought.
The place where I REFUSE to look, is in my baby-father, Kadeem. This tired, good for nothing ass negro is all kinds of ain’t shit. You would think that he would want to see his children, but he would rather see wasteful women. I can’t even believe that I fell in love with this scrub and found myself so god-damned in love to have 2 damn kids by him. I promise to you that I do not hate the man, I more so hate his actions. You know, it hurts being so deeply in love with a person and to build this mystical future with them, just to have everything come crashing down before your very eyes. The pain…the pain that is there is just unforgivable and what hurts even more is that we both did things to come to this cold and frigid ending. 5:32PM appears on the clock and Issa and Lawrence’s love saga is interrupted by an obnoxious knock on the door. Oh. Its him. Was it his weekend to get the kids? Last time I checked, it was my weekend, so what is this fool doing here. As he progresses towards me he presents me with a bouquet of Forget-Me-Nots…my favorites. I don’t know whether I’m more shocked that he’s HERE with flowers or that he remembered my favorite flowers. What is he doing? He asked me if I remembered what today was and sadly I was stuck with the “Nigga what you talmbout” face. Disappointment danced over his, what seemed to be, subtle facial expressions. He goes on to tell me that today we would have made 8 years. But my question is WHY does it matter all of a sudden? Has this fool lost his mind? Entitlement, or for better words the thought of entitlement is really a motherfucker. Rule #1 : People come into your life for a reason. Be patient in finding out the answer, but please do not over exert or over extend that welcoming feeling.
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"When the music changes, so does the dance" - African Proverb The ethereal goddess, Oshun has come to me in my dreams and spoke heavily on the evils of this pseudo love. The ancestors are raging at this disrespectful show that we are putting on. Is it truly all as a result of the genocide that has occurred to our people, or is it simply a hybrid manifestation that we've grown comfortable with? Love has become this broken clock, only ticking when a wo(man) is in heat. That ticking becomes confused and misconstrued as if love was some sort of aphrodisiac. The ancestors have painted over me and my lover's faith with a love versus lust rhetoric. But we are not the only ones afflicted by this cryptic aesthetic; everyone who has ever known love has come across this ongoing war. We should be able to look to our parents for this definition of love, but they have been poisoned as well. Where is the antidote?
Moving forward, I’ve come to the understanding that I need to work on myself before allowing anything in. Working on myself will allow the greatest woman to come into my life and bless me. Maybe its her, but right now it we are not for each other. Me. Thats what I’m working on. Being a better me, will allow me to be the greatest man, for this greater woman…whoever she happens to be. Of course, I’ll be living as any man should but I’m more concerned with the sensible.
Does her views align with mine? Is she willing to accept love and let go of baggage? Is she open to being open, with me? Are we willing to do whatever it takes to make it to forever? Are we both willing to forgive? Are you over shit that is not conducive to a healthy relationship? If we both are able to answer these questions, I know she’s for me. I’m over looking for this cookie cutter image of her, well the old her. Maybe that was my problem when I was searching. I’m looking for someone who can meet me at least half way and then work with me to the top. Whatever happens, our souls will always be tied to each other. Its just a matter of maneuvering around it, until whatever is to come. If we are meant to be, she will be the one who I get down on bended knee for. If not, she will be the one supporting me from the shadows. The crossing of our souls was not accidental, but for now the distance will make us grow. Rule #7 : love yourself. everything falls in love after this. take time and work on yourself. Invest everything that you can in making your happiness as concrete as possible. Invest in branding yourself and creating a life that establishes longevity, for yourself! A few months breeze by and I notice that my happiness isn’t constant. Drinking allows me to temporarily forget that maybe, just maybe I lost the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I cannot find any sort of solace in this moment. Bad habits become second nature to me, “Why couldn’t I just tell her that she was what I wanted, that she was what I consider to be everything that a woman should be.” Was I afraid of actually admitting it to her or was I afraid of actually committing again? This life style isn’t all that its cracked up to be. The females satisfy you for the moment, but to have someone who is there, day in and day out is truly a blessing. I just allowed mine to just up and leave my life. Hopefully this will all make sense soon…
Rule #6 timing is everything. trust what universe is doing. TRUST ME, it might now seem like things don’t make sense, but remember the universe is preparing YOU for your future Bruh. WHY. She has this hold on me and honestly, I don’t know why. I’ve been doing me. I can’t have sex with enough girls to forget her. Every girl I meet has to have qualities of her, but we both know we are bad for each other…so why? I told her I was free later on this week. I make sure my place is spotless, made sure theres no evidence of any female lingering, made sure there were no marks left on my body…if she’s coming all the way over here, she possibly wants something, right?
Friday finally arrives and so does she. Wow, after not seeing or hearing from her for months, I really forgot what a beauty she was. She gave me a hug, and damn did she smell good; it was a light and lusty warm vanilla. I had to control myself, I know its been a while. So we’re sitting and talking and everything felt so comfortable, this is what I missed. She said she’ll prepare dinner and I just sat there and watched her. I don’t know man, I felt this surge of feelings for her hit me in my gut. We head to the dining room to eat and to talk. She does this awkward thing where she sits far from me and okay..here comes the bullshit. She tells me she’s done her hardest to forget me and she knows I’ve done the same. But, it seems like the universe thwarted every attempt that came her way. She tells me that despite all of our efforts, we just hurt each other in the end…if we meant all of this to each to each other why couldn’t we get it right? I guess I couldn’t give her an answer fast enough, so she got up and left. As her presence left me for good, I was left speechless; her entity stole every last word that my mouth could have possibly uttered. Rule 5: not everything lasts, its okay. Just allow yourself to understand that A couple days after the house party, I got a call from a familiar voice, but I couldn’t match a face to it. It was Erika, she enjoyed our little rendezvous and she wanted to meet me today for lunch; its refreshing to have the female pursue you, ya know. I met her at some off the grid spot in Williamsburg, I always loved Brooklyn, so I guess this “date” was off to a good start. She greets me with an awkward hug and we sit down. She immediately says to me, ”About the other night…I’m usually not ‘that’ kind of girl…but there’s something about you that I couldn’t resist” we sit there and laugh it off. She was cool, mind like Badu but sex appeal like Riri kind of vibe. She wanted to continue seeing me, but I was a little hesitant. I’m working toward longevity, should I wife up the girl who gave it up to me the first night? I respect her honesty so much though, I feel like why the hell not? —she’s gorgeous, she’s funny, she has a lot going for herself, I mean those are basic wife-y qualities.
As the weeks progress, we grow closer. Its weird, I didn’t think that moving on, especially from my ex would be so easy, but damn look at me doing the damn thing. Now, listen I’m still a single man exploring my options, but there’s something about this girl that seems a little familiar. I can quite put my finger on it, but I feel like I’ve been here before. Finally, she hits me with the “what are we.” I told her that we are two people with common interests just enjoying the moment. You guessed it, this pissed her off to the point where she cusses me off and storms off. And just like clock work, I get a text from my ex…”we need to talk…” Rule 4: some people aren’t ready for the truth. Take your time with your decisions, whats meant for you will always be for you. After running through the list of Lisa’s and Nicole’s you some how come to this sick and twisted understanding of just living in the moment. You come to the realization that whatever is meant to happen will happen, so just live it up for the time being…right? I’ve been holding off from sex for about a month and I’ve also kept myself isolated from certain scenes. The hype behind all of this became seemingly pointless, especially when you’re not mentally stimulated. My boys posted in the group chat about this little house party this weekend and you know what, I’m tired of being miserable. As the days approached, I become more comfortable with turning up with the bros. I needed this before my mind turned sour. Thursday night, the day before, I found myself lurking on my ex’s page. It was a wonder that I was no longer blocked. But what came to even more of a surprise was the brother who she was posted up with, multiple times, on the gram. He looked like a scrub; I’m sure he doesn’t and wouldn’t treat her like I treat her. There was just something about him having his arms wrapped around her hips that made me see red. This was all the ammunition that I needed to go out and enjoy myself. About an hour later, one of my closest bros calls me up and asks if I saw the post. I lied to him, I didn’t need him having the slightest idea that I still gave a damn. He told me that “I deserved to go out and fuck on bitches.”
Its been a while since I’ve blessed a Queen, even a temporary one, with my sexual prowess. Its now Friday, music is bumping, liquor is flowing, and sistas throwing allllll type of ass in a circle. It was just what I needed. It was strange, I somewhat missed this side of myself. It went dormant after I entered the relationship with what’s her name. I saw this fine empress, she had the natural hair, little to no make up, ass was from the mother-land, and she just looked like a good time. I approached her and started spitting my game. Her name was Erika, she told me that she wasn’t Badu but she’ll put the Badu on me. If I wasn’t so drunk the corny-ness of that line would have bothered me but whatever, let me just go along with it. We start slow dancing and then one thing leads to a next… she grabs my hand and leads me to the bed room. Rule #3: Stop waiting...enjoy yourself, but please, please make sure its worth it. There's this queen, Denisha; lips, hips, and a beautiful face to match her beautiful figure. But, I've never met a girl so got-damned dense. I took her out to my ex's favorite restaurant, maybe that was a catalyst for the domino effect, but oh well. She caught an attitude because I wanted to go 50-50 on the bill, my ex had no issues with doing this, so I didn't get what her issue was. Her attitude escalated through out the night and I was just about through with her ass. She was just so rude and her eating habits were beyond disgusting; I wouldn't dare to become intimate with her for that very reason. She isn't on the caliber of how I would like my woman. She isn't even someone that I'd want to raise my children. She's just the Instagram model that everyone craves for but never gets because she's so caught up in the now. So, why am I here? I pay the bill and I dropped her home. I throw on some old 90s R&B playlist on SoundCloud and take the longest route home. Something has to give man.
Rule #2: love is deeper than the flesh. Stop getting attached to the physical or else you'll judge a book by its cover and more than likely waste your time. It's been hard out here for a brother. My last girl, we went our separate ways after a series of quarrels, it was getting to be too much, you know. She was everything yet it just never seemed to work. But damn, I didn't expect the single life to be this complicated. Maybe, if I were 3 years younger, the hype of sliding in any women of my disposal would have appealed to me, but I'm 26 pushing on 30 and it's about time to settle down. I dream of having a family and teaching both my son and daughter the virtue of having a real black man in their lives; that's my ultimate goal. My dilemma is now-a-days these sistas are too much. Either they're too broken, too ignorant, or come with too much baggage. Its just always something. Where are the women, who still want to be women? I didn’t understand the controversy behind a woman not wanting to cook and clean until I came back into the jungle. I can admit, she was perfect, but there are other fish out there…right?
Rule #1: Leaving is sometimes an option, but always keep in mind, the world--out there does not welcome you with open arms. Souls, the very essence of our higher-selves were designed to crash and collide with many until finding a life partner. It is said that when a soul mate enters your life, you experience this catalyst, something bold, dynamic, painful, life-changing, and maddening. You crave this change because it is so distant from the normal. It isn't easy nor is it simple; it forces you to crave it, even when it is the same thing that breaks you down. What hurts the most about this idea of soul-mates is that you know they are not supposed to stay. Once they serve their purpose, their soul slowly creeps out of our lives. We can either hurt or learn and be thankhful for their time here. Understand that you are able to have multiple soulmates. You are able to work until you come across the one who can indeed re-invent him/herself. You are able to hurt and be vulnerable. You are able to let go and cut off ties. You are able to learn and move forward. -dedicated to donte, thank you for being a friend and putting the soul in soulful |
A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
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