After running through the list of Lisa’s and Nicole’s you some how come to this sick and twisted understanding of just living in the moment. You come to the realization that whatever is meant to happen will happen, so just live it up for the time being…right? I’ve been holding off from sex for about a month and I’ve also kept myself isolated from certain scenes. The hype behind all of this became seemingly pointless, especially when you’re not mentally stimulated. My boys posted in the group chat about this little house party this weekend and you know what, I’m tired of being miserable. As the days approached, I become more comfortable with turning up with the bros. I needed this before my mind turned sour. Thursday night, the day before, I found myself lurking on my ex’s page. It was a wonder that I was no longer blocked. But what came to even more of a surprise was the brother who she was posted up with, multiple times, on the gram. He looked like a scrub; I’m sure he doesn’t and wouldn’t treat her like I treat her. There was just something about him having his arms wrapped around her hips that made me see red. This was all the ammunition that I needed to go out and enjoy myself. About an hour later, one of my closest bros calls me up and asks if I saw the post. I lied to him, I didn’t need him having the slightest idea that I still gave a damn. He told me that “I deserved to go out and fuck on bitches.”
Its been a while since I’ve blessed a Queen, even a temporary one, with my sexual prowess. Its now Friday, music is bumping, liquor is flowing, and sistas throwing allllll type of ass in a circle. It was just what I needed. It was strange, I somewhat missed this side of myself. It went dormant after I entered the relationship with what’s her name. I saw this fine empress, she had the natural hair, little to no make up, ass was from the mother-land, and she just looked like a good time. I approached her and started spitting my game. Her name was Erika, she told me that she wasn’t Badu but she’ll put the Badu on me. If I wasn’t so drunk the corny-ness of that line would have bothered me but whatever, let me just go along with it. We start slow dancing and then one thing leads to a next… she grabs my hand and leads me to the bed room. Rule #3: Stop waiting...enjoy yourself, but please, please make sure its worth it.
0 Comments
There's this queen, Denisha; lips, hips, and a beautiful face to match her beautiful figure. But, I've never met a girl so got-damned dense. I took her out to my ex's favorite restaurant, maybe that was a catalyst for the domino effect, but oh well. She caught an attitude because I wanted to go 50-50 on the bill, my ex had no issues with doing this, so I didn't get what her issue was. Her attitude escalated through out the night and I was just about through with her ass. She was just so rude and her eating habits were beyond disgusting; I wouldn't dare to become intimate with her for that very reason. She isn't on the caliber of how I would like my woman. She isn't even someone that I'd want to raise my children. She's just the Instagram model that everyone craves for but never gets because she's so caught up in the now. So, why am I here? I pay the bill and I dropped her home. I throw on some old 90s R&B playlist on SoundCloud and take the longest route home. Something has to give man.
Rule #2: love is deeper than the flesh. Stop getting attached to the physical or else you'll judge a book by its cover and more than likely waste your time. It's been hard out here for a brother. My last girl, we went our separate ways after a series of quarrels, it was getting to be too much, you know. She was everything yet it just never seemed to work. But damn, I didn't expect the single life to be this complicated. Maybe, if I were 3 years younger, the hype of sliding in any women of my disposal would have appealed to me, but I'm 26 pushing on 30 and it's about time to settle down. I dream of having a family and teaching both my son and daughter the virtue of having a real black man in their lives; that's my ultimate goal. My dilemma is now-a-days these sistas are too much. Either they're too broken, too ignorant, or come with too much baggage. Its just always something. Where are the women, who still want to be women? I didn’t understand the controversy behind a woman not wanting to cook and clean until I came back into the jungle. I can admit, she was perfect, but there are other fish out there…right?
Rule #1: Leaving is sometimes an option, but always keep in mind, the world--out there does not welcome you with open arms. Souls, the very essence of our higher-selves were designed to crash and collide with many until finding a life partner. It is said that when a soul mate enters your life, you experience this catalyst, something bold, dynamic, painful, life-changing, and maddening. You crave this change because it is so distant from the normal. It isn't easy nor is it simple; it forces you to crave it, even when it is the same thing that breaks you down. What hurts the most about this idea of soul-mates is that you know they are not supposed to stay. Once they serve their purpose, their soul slowly creeps out of our lives. We can either hurt or learn and be thankhful for their time here. Understand that you are able to have multiple soulmates. You are able to work until you come across the one who can indeed re-invent him/herself. You are able to hurt and be vulnerable. You are able to let go and cut off ties. You are able to learn and move forward. -dedicated to donte, thank you for being a friend and putting the soul in soulful 5 years later, I learned to love you and I learned to love this little embodiment of our love, a little prince created by our divinity. Who would have thought that I would be here? I had an entire life time planned out with someone else, but our ancestors worked hard to ensure that my happiness came above all, and 5 years later, I am here. We argue, shit, we go at it like cats and dogs but there's always this calmness in the air because before anything, we ALWAYS choose each other. When I found out I was pregnant it took me a while to find a way to tell him. I was never in that situation before but he made me drop my anxiety about the entire situation. He ensured me that from this day moving forward, it was only us. I believe a few months into my pregnancy he came home with some dates (with the pit, of course) and said, "Baby, from this day only I want you to be my only date, will you marry me?" Man, I laugh myself into tears when I think about how corny this brotha was and still is. But at the end of it all, he's MY corny, fine ass black man. I enjoy reading with him and reading to our little baby. We keep knowledge in the air at all times. Whether it's books on Black revolutions or Spirituality, I want our baby to know the power of our ancestors. We are the reincarnates of two unlucky souls who were unable to do what we are doing now. The cycle is broken, here's to the next two souls on their mission.
Rule 10: no one is sent by accident to anyone. Invest in the person who proves worthy of your time. Love is beautiful. I waited what seemed forever to have him touch me and get to know my body. But, now I feel as if I'm ready. I know that I'm in love with him and it's time that I make love with his soul. I called him over to execute my plan, keep in mind that he was still in the dark about all of this. I had the vanilla candles lit, Marvin Gaye playing in the back, and food already prepared. D, let's go shower together. I could almost draw the excitement on his face, it was the little twinkle in his eyes and his inability to formulate words that made me sure about this. The shower was set to a steamy warm temperature, the black soap and loofah was there, it was just all so right. What I enjoyed most about this was the time he took caressing me and that he never broke his stare into my eyes. He felt even more vulnerable than I did. This was my first time touching another man since I parted ways with my beloved ex. I knew what D was working with, we've exchanged pictures, but performance always trumps appearance. He kept asking me if I was ready and if I was sure, like boy if you don't stop teasing me and bless me with your body! This was orgasmic to the highest degree. Making love in the shower was always my favorite but damn this brotha could work. He carries me back into the bedroom for round two. I don't remember when it ended, but I do remember the few instances after. He got me dressed, and just kissed me on my forehead as I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had tea ready, and was just smirking at me. Sex with Deleon, or Daddy D is and always will be more than just the physical.
Number 9: after patience awaits a beautiful thing I want to trust him but your past has a nasty way of making your future messy. He tries his hardest with me. He honestly does everything in his power to get me to open up. Late night trips over to my place just to cook for me, binge watching my favorite series with me, taking pointless strolls just to speak--practically everything that I enjoy doing in solitude. Honestly, I am afraid of love, well loving again. I have this beautiful man who wants nothing but the best for me but I can't let him in, there's just too much hurt. But damn, he really tries his hardest, I have to at least work with him on us. I suggested to him that we play a game. He could ask anything and I could do the same, but our answers had to be 100% honest. We started off with the simple questions like, "what's your favorite color," "what's your favorite breakfast," basically things that we already knew about each other, but I took the initiative to go deeper. "Why are you here with me?" I ask, he replies, " I am in love with you, and I know that you love me too so I'm not giving up on this thing." Hm, persistent bastard. He's right though I do love him, I just gotta let my guards down. I try my hardest to trust him moving forward, he never gave me a reason not to. He reminds me so much of my ex, in all the positive ways. Maybe this is the love of my life and my ex was just preparing me for him. Yeah, I believe that's what it was. I called my ex later on that week just to say thank you for everything. We haven't spoke in months, but you know the love you have for someone never dies, it's just transformed into something alchemy related. We were both in such great places in life and honestly, I am so happy for his growth. We both had to get back that little bit of energy that we were both holding on to of each other for so long, in order to finally move forward. Surprisingly there was not an ounce of melancholy in either of us. That's what growth looks like. After speaking to him, I promised to give this black man who loves me, despite all my flaws, every ounce of me, whether good or bad.
Rule 8: there is love, after love. Sometimes it's even more beautiful; be vulnerable It is now 6 months post break up and I've discovered myself in ways that were dormant to me before. I am truly in love with myself and my progress. I find myself being attracted to this new tea shop down in park slope. It's only a 15 minute drive from where I live and I religiously start my day off with their Mango-Pineapple Tea. I've been going here for the last couple of months and it's honestly my sanctuary. Today was different though; I felt it as soon as I woke, I honestly just figured it was the weather. When I got to the tea shop I felt my guard and inhibitions gradually dropping for some reason. I went to the counter to order some tea, and I hear a voice behind me say "let me get one of those too, and they're both on me." Who the hell did he think he was? Matter a fact who the hell is he?? He stares at me for a few and asks if I would just sit down and talk over some tea; he was so backwards but I guess I had time to kill. His name was Deleon, who would think that this name would be with me in years to come, definitely not me. According to D, he's had his eye on me since we first met, come to think of it I do remember him. He was the douche bag who took my parking spot at the tea lounge when I first started coming here. His skin was a smooth dark chocolate embroidered with muscles and a well kept Afro. He wore glasses, he was even more handsome with them on. His voice was that sexy bedroom raspy voice that made me want to just listen to him speak for eons. He was just beautiful, his parents took their time crafting this king. He asked for my math (yeah guess he's one of those old school cats) and to take me out this weekend. I accepted and it's been the best decision that I've made in a while.
Rule 7: love will come knocking at your door again, just be sure to open it. I've mentioned before that healing is circular of cyclic; you will experience hurt but this is all just to prepare you for a better love. Don't search for love, it will find you when you least expect it. It's been a month since that incident and in between that time we were trying to heal but nothing was working in our favor. We parted our ways peacefully, I couldn't allow myself to get back into a relationship with someone who could hurt me so selfishly. I deserve more because I am worth way more. It hurts when you think you're in love and then you are forced to call quits for whatever external reason. But it's been a month. I think about him from time to time in a positive light but at the end of it all memories will only be that--memories.
You know when a female gets her heartbroken she focuses on school, or whatever she should have been prioritizing? Yeah that's me. I've added so many extra hours into finishing this book and studying in grad school. It feels amazing to focus on me, and me only. But I won't lie, the loneliness eats at me like vultures on the carcass of a dead animal. It hurts, but this pain is only temporary. This too shall pass and its important where I place my energy. Things have been going well for me, I pray for him everyday because you have to pray for the weak. Rule #6: it's important to put yourself first. You cannot love someone if you don't love yourself. Basic law of attraction, what you put out into the universe, is what you will receive. Always stay positive for yourself and others. I need to breathe. The air is running out of my lungs and anxiety is replacing it. Three hours earlier, I received an anonymous phone call from this girl named Kenya. Supposedly she was "coming to me as a woman" whatever the hell that meant. She told me to meet her at this frozen yogurt joint in the mall, which coincidentally happens to be my favorite yogurt parlor. Kenya. That name still burns a trail into my tongue. She greets me with a hug, the nerve of this female touching me. She tells me that she's been seeing my man off and on for the past couple of months. Everything starts to click. The random travels out of state to visit " a friend." The random phone calls. The new password on the phone. The increased secrecy. The nerve. I had to hold it together, I couldn't break in front of this female. She was lost, I couldn't even fix myself to break her face; those kind of females lack serious self love and will try to get it from any source possible. I was lost in my mind on the drive home. When I get home, I lose my shit. Three hours after sitting with Kenya, I finally break. I wouldn't even call it crying. It was to the point where breathing became more than difficult and it hurt to utter out words. Maybe the shower would help. I sat in the shower and just allowed the water to confuse the path of my tears. It was the thought of giving someone my all and having to be broken like this.. I don't think anyone deserves it.
He didn't come home that night. Kenya told him that she alerted me of their previous rendezvous. I received numerous calls and texts from him, but I didn't want to hear the bullshit excuses. "She didn't mean anything." "I love you." "It was all a mistake." You were the mistake. It meant everything to you. And no, you do not love me. Rule number 5: people we love have the ability to hurt us. Trust your instincts. Do NOT tolerate this level of hurt from anyone. |
A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
Categories |