A feeling of disgusts takes permanent residency on my face. I really need to know if he bumped his head and forgot the reason why we are in the space we are now.
Two years ago, you left. You left. You left me at my lowest. How dare you. You left me and acted as if the six years I spent dedicating to us. You left me while we were building a family. You left me and went out looking for something else days later. How fucking dare you. You left me and chose to only show up to pick your kids up without an explanation for the previous infractions. What, you finally realized that the women you were looking at were temporary and only fed your ego? I’m having a difficult time understand why you would ever dare to show your face here. Riddle me as to why you’re here. He goes on to explain what happened. He’s telling me that after six years he was just not ready to be married; after six years you finally decide to tell me that? He was telling me he didn’t deserve me, so honestly who’s to say you deserve me now? He’s telling me that I loved him so passionately but he just couldn’t grasp it because his father was not there and he was just afraid of not knowing what to do when it came to marriage. Again, I couldn’t grasp it; your father’s walked out and because he wasn’t there for you, you want to repeat that cycle to me and your kids, your kids?! This man really had some nerve. He just continues to go on and on and honestly it’s just going in one ear and out the next. I’m just not here for it. The anger just devoured me and the tears soon followed. This man who I gave two beautiful children to has hurt me because of his inhibitions. He was perfect for me and it just hurts to hear all of it, but my pain is mine and I know I’m not wrong for feeling any of it. I wish that I could just hug him and kiss the pain away but no, I’m tired of healing others and pushing my pain to the side to continue to heal others. Somehow, the distance between us disappears and he ends up with his arms around me and wrapping me in his warm embrace. He kisses my third eye and just continuously apologizing for leaving. Once I pulled myself together, I asked him to leave and he was confused but he followed suit. I walked him to the door and had to find all the strength in me to close him out, for a few. Once he left, the fireplace, a glass of wine, and my tears kept my company for the night; my loneliness comforted me in this moment of vulnerability. Rule #4 : Learn to heal from the past, it will sneak up on you when you least expect it and knock on your front door. Do not allow others to suffer due to your open wounds. Also, learn to accept the reality that some people cannot heal unless they are OPEN to healing.
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I stood by the door as he waltzed into my home. It’s been forever since I allowed him into my safe space, both literally and figuratively. He trails pasts pictures of me and the kids, examining every detail as if he were some sort of conisseur. My anxiety was gradually escalating and I found the courage to walk in his direction and take the flowers. I’m caught in this pretense of ambivalence with him being this close to me. He’s just staring at me and it’s uneasy yet comforting. This stare brings me feelings of nostalgia; he’s speaking to me without moving his lips. The suspense abruptly comes to an end when he pulls me in for a warm embrace. His hands trail all over my back and arms carefully avoiding anything that could lead to something that I wanted so bad but did not need. The thoughts that crossed my mind were of a sultry nature and I know he felt what I was feeling. The hold he had of me got a little tighter, and he whispered, “I’m sorry for it all, I love you and I always will.”
Again, I snapped out of it. I made a promise to myself that this wouldn’t happen again. But shit, forbidden fruit always tasted the sweetest. I had to take a few steps back from him and demanded him to explain all of this. Kadeem gave me this perplexed look and said, “It’s you. It’s always been you and it will always be you. A year and a few months apart and I wanted to tell you this so badly. We are living like we’re gotdamned business partners, as if our children are some form of barter. I’ve been longing for you and I’m here now to make it all right. This is the black union, this is the black love we’ve both been preaching by and for all these long years, Keira” Ya know, this is just like this negro to rush into my life without thinking how things impact me, without considering whether or not I have something going on. He believes that time ticks in his accordance and he fails to put into perspective what’s going on in my life. It enrages me that he thinks some little flowers, a handsome face, and some charisma is going to change the factors of the past. He’s got another thing coming if thinks I’m this foolish. Rule #3 : Earn me We met back in '08 at a Pan-African rally. Usually I try to stay away from these Pro-Black brothas because they embody a certain type of misogyny that fails to delight my senses, but he was different. He was one of the organizers for the rally, Kadeem X. You know, whenever a brother gets to college and picks up a book, he automatically becomes Malcolm X. He was super fine, I remember our first encounter like it was yesterday. He had a neat flat top, a crisp black v-neck under some dungarees, and a smooth yet raspy voice. Hearing him speak sent shivers down my spine mingling with my kundalini energy. Shit, I knew that HE was the one that I wanted and I was DAMN sure that it will work out that way. I shimmied my little self up to the information table where he was waiting and said to him, "Brotha Kadeem, my name is Keira, I would love to learn more about your love for our people over a meal." Just remembering the look on his face leaves me laughing; it was perplexed yet highly interested. He told me he'll pick me up around 8pm on Tuesday and since then I've been his lover. Every waking moment I spent drowning in the love of Kadeem, My Kadeem. The Kadeem that made me smile whenever I saw something that slightly reminded me of him.
But then I snapped back to reality. Who is this man waiting here with flowers? Eight years later. Kadeem has always been the type to pull out of the blue stunts, but this? This here is on a whole new caliber. I tell him that I honestly don't know what to do or say. He says with a smirk, "You can start by letting me in." The kids were sleep so I guess this can't be such a bad idea...right? Rule #2: When looking at relationships that lasted quite some time, it is important to remember WHY you fell in love with the person. Maintain that consistency. Maintain that pace. Maintain those feelings and let them grow. |
A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
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