I want to trust him but your past has a nasty way of making your future messy. He tries his hardest with me. He honestly does everything in his power to get me to open up. Late night trips over to my place just to cook for me, binge watching my favorite series with me, taking pointless strolls just to speak--practically everything that I enjoy doing in solitude. Honestly, I am afraid of love, well loving again. I have this beautiful man who wants nothing but the best for me but I can't let him in, there's just too much hurt. But damn, he really tries his hardest, I have to at least work with him on us. I suggested to him that we play a game. He could ask anything and I could do the same, but our answers had to be 100% honest. We started off with the simple questions like, "what's your favorite color," "what's your favorite breakfast," basically things that we already knew about each other, but I took the initiative to go deeper. "Why are you here with me?" I ask, he replies, " I am in love with you, and I know that you love me too so I'm not giving up on this thing." Hm, persistent bastard. He's right though I do love him, I just gotta let my guards down. I try my hardest to trust him moving forward, he never gave me a reason not to. He reminds me so much of my ex, in all the positive ways. Maybe this is the love of my life and my ex was just preparing me for him. Yeah, I believe that's what it was. I called my ex later on that week just to say thank you for everything. We haven't spoke in months, but you know the love you have for someone never dies, it's just transformed into something alchemy related. We were both in such great places in life and honestly, I am so happy for his growth. We both had to get back that little bit of energy that we were both holding on to of each other for so long, in order to finally move forward. Surprisingly there was not an ounce of melancholy in either of us. That's what growth looks like. After speaking to him, I promised to give this black man who loves me, despite all my flaws, every ounce of me, whether good or bad.
Rule 8: there is love, after love. Sometimes it's even more beautiful; be vulnerable
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A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
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