5 years later, I learned to love you and I learned to love this little embodiment of our love, a little prince created by our divinity. Who would have thought that I would be here? I had an entire life time planned out with someone else, but our ancestors worked hard to ensure that my happiness came above all, and 5 years later, I am here. We argue, shit, we go at it like cats and dogs but there's always this calmness in the air because before anything, we ALWAYS choose each other. When I found out I was pregnant it took me a while to find a way to tell him. I was never in that situation before but he made me drop my anxiety about the entire situation. He ensured me that from this day moving forward, it was only us. I believe a few months into my pregnancy he came home with some dates (with the pit, of course) and said, "Baby, from this day only I want you to be my only date, will you marry me?" Man, I laugh myself into tears when I think about how corny this brotha was and still is. But at the end of it all, he's MY corny, fine ass black man. I enjoy reading with him and reading to our little baby. We keep knowledge in the air at all times. Whether it's books on Black revolutions or Spirituality, I want our baby to know the power of our ancestors. We are the reincarnates of two unlucky souls who were unable to do what we are doing now. The cycle is broken, here's to the next two souls on their mission.
Rule 10: no one is sent by accident to anyone. Invest in the person who proves worthy of your time. Love is beautiful.
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I waited what seemed forever to have him touch me and get to know my body. But, now I feel as if I'm ready. I know that I'm in love with him and it's time that I make love with his soul. I called him over to execute my plan, keep in mind that he was still in the dark about all of this. I had the vanilla candles lit, Marvin Gaye playing in the back, and food already prepared. D, let's go shower together. I could almost draw the excitement on his face, it was the little twinkle in his eyes and his inability to formulate words that made me sure about this. The shower was set to a steamy warm temperature, the black soap and loofah was there, it was just all so right. What I enjoyed most about this was the time he took caressing me and that he never broke his stare into my eyes. He felt even more vulnerable than I did. This was my first time touching another man since I parted ways with my beloved ex. I knew what D was working with, we've exchanged pictures, but performance always trumps appearance. He kept asking me if I was ready and if I was sure, like boy if you don't stop teasing me and bless me with your body! This was orgasmic to the highest degree. Making love in the shower was always my favorite but damn this brotha could work. He carries me back into the bedroom for round two. I don't remember when it ended, but I do remember the few instances after. He got me dressed, and just kissed me on my forehead as I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had tea ready, and was just smirking at me. Sex with Deleon, or Daddy D is and always will be more than just the physical.
Number 9: after patience awaits a beautiful thing I want to trust him but your past has a nasty way of making your future messy. He tries his hardest with me. He honestly does everything in his power to get me to open up. Late night trips over to my place just to cook for me, binge watching my favorite series with me, taking pointless strolls just to speak--practically everything that I enjoy doing in solitude. Honestly, I am afraid of love, well loving again. I have this beautiful man who wants nothing but the best for me but I can't let him in, there's just too much hurt. But damn, he really tries his hardest, I have to at least work with him on us. I suggested to him that we play a game. He could ask anything and I could do the same, but our answers had to be 100% honest. We started off with the simple questions like, "what's your favorite color," "what's your favorite breakfast," basically things that we already knew about each other, but I took the initiative to go deeper. "Why are you here with me?" I ask, he replies, " I am in love with you, and I know that you love me too so I'm not giving up on this thing." Hm, persistent bastard. He's right though I do love him, I just gotta let my guards down. I try my hardest to trust him moving forward, he never gave me a reason not to. He reminds me so much of my ex, in all the positive ways. Maybe this is the love of my life and my ex was just preparing me for him. Yeah, I believe that's what it was. I called my ex later on that week just to say thank you for everything. We haven't spoke in months, but you know the love you have for someone never dies, it's just transformed into something alchemy related. We were both in such great places in life and honestly, I am so happy for his growth. We both had to get back that little bit of energy that we were both holding on to of each other for so long, in order to finally move forward. Surprisingly there was not an ounce of melancholy in either of us. That's what growth looks like. After speaking to him, I promised to give this black man who loves me, despite all my flaws, every ounce of me, whether good or bad.
Rule 8: there is love, after love. Sometimes it's even more beautiful; be vulnerable It is now 6 months post break up and I've discovered myself in ways that were dormant to me before. I am truly in love with myself and my progress. I find myself being attracted to this new tea shop down in park slope. It's only a 15 minute drive from where I live and I religiously start my day off with their Mango-Pineapple Tea. I've been going here for the last couple of months and it's honestly my sanctuary. Today was different though; I felt it as soon as I woke, I honestly just figured it was the weather. When I got to the tea shop I felt my guard and inhibitions gradually dropping for some reason. I went to the counter to order some tea, and I hear a voice behind me say "let me get one of those too, and they're both on me." Who the hell did he think he was? Matter a fact who the hell is he?? He stares at me for a few and asks if I would just sit down and talk over some tea; he was so backwards but I guess I had time to kill. His name was Deleon, who would think that this name would be with me in years to come, definitely not me. According to D, he's had his eye on me since we first met, come to think of it I do remember him. He was the douche bag who took my parking spot at the tea lounge when I first started coming here. His skin was a smooth dark chocolate embroidered with muscles and a well kept Afro. He wore glasses, he was even more handsome with them on. His voice was that sexy bedroom raspy voice that made me want to just listen to him speak for eons. He was just beautiful, his parents took their time crafting this king. He asked for my math (yeah guess he's one of those old school cats) and to take me out this weekend. I accepted and it's been the best decision that I've made in a while.
Rule 7: love will come knocking at your door again, just be sure to open it. I've mentioned before that healing is circular of cyclic; you will experience hurt but this is all just to prepare you for a better love. Don't search for love, it will find you when you least expect it. It's been a month since that incident and in between that time we were trying to heal but nothing was working in our favor. We parted our ways peacefully, I couldn't allow myself to get back into a relationship with someone who could hurt me so selfishly. I deserve more because I am worth way more. It hurts when you think you're in love and then you are forced to call quits for whatever external reason. But it's been a month. I think about him from time to time in a positive light but at the end of it all memories will only be that--memories.
You know when a female gets her heartbroken she focuses on school, or whatever she should have been prioritizing? Yeah that's me. I've added so many extra hours into finishing this book and studying in grad school. It feels amazing to focus on me, and me only. But I won't lie, the loneliness eats at me like vultures on the carcass of a dead animal. It hurts, but this pain is only temporary. This too shall pass and its important where I place my energy. Things have been going well for me, I pray for him everyday because you have to pray for the weak. Rule #6: it's important to put yourself first. You cannot love someone if you don't love yourself. Basic law of attraction, what you put out into the universe, is what you will receive. Always stay positive for yourself and others. I need to breathe. The air is running out of my lungs and anxiety is replacing it. Three hours earlier, I received an anonymous phone call from this girl named Kenya. Supposedly she was "coming to me as a woman" whatever the hell that meant. She told me to meet her at this frozen yogurt joint in the mall, which coincidentally happens to be my favorite yogurt parlor. Kenya. That name still burns a trail into my tongue. She greets me with a hug, the nerve of this female touching me. She tells me that she's been seeing my man off and on for the past couple of months. Everything starts to click. The random travels out of state to visit " a friend." The random phone calls. The new password on the phone. The increased secrecy. The nerve. I had to hold it together, I couldn't break in front of this female. She was lost, I couldn't even fix myself to break her face; those kind of females lack serious self love and will try to get it from any source possible. I was lost in my mind on the drive home. When I get home, I lose my shit. Three hours after sitting with Kenya, I finally break. I wouldn't even call it crying. It was to the point where breathing became more than difficult and it hurt to utter out words. Maybe the shower would help. I sat in the shower and just allowed the water to confuse the path of my tears. It was the thought of giving someone my all and having to be broken like this.. I don't think anyone deserves it.
He didn't come home that night. Kenya told him that she alerted me of their previous rendezvous. I received numerous calls and texts from him, but I didn't want to hear the bullshit excuses. "She didn't mean anything." "I love you." "It was all a mistake." You were the mistake. It meant everything to you. And no, you do not love me. Rule number 5: people we love have the ability to hurt us. Trust your instincts. Do NOT tolerate this level of hurt from anyone. I came home and something was out of order, I just couldn't put my finger on it. My room looked the same, the kitchen looked the same, so why am I feeling this awkward vibe? There it is, I smell his scent, but where is he. A few seconds later, I hear the toilet in my relatively small bathroom flush. "You're home early" is followed by a kiss by my boyfriend with the most perplexed look on his face. He looked like he's been working all day, only thing is HE DOESNT WORK. Upon closer inspection I notice that the dishes are washed, my room is swept, the furniture is dusted, and tub is scrubbed. He smelled like his natural testosterone scent mixed with cleaning products. What a time to be in love. This was love, coming home to MY man and to MY house being clean. A black woman is grateful for such treatment. I embrace him with a hug and he blesses my forehead with a kiss; moments like these I life for. My heart races whenever he brings me in close, my body goes wild. He tells me that I've had a long hard day and I deserve to be pampered. Who am I to object to my man? He heads to the bathroom and set a warm bath with a few drops of lavender oil. He tells me to get in and leave everything up to him. I give him the satisfaction of taking care of me. I was in there for what seemed like days, indulging in every single second. D'angelo's sweet voice sang in the back and I've never felt so at peace. A knock on the door breaks my trance and he runs the shower on my body and wraps me in a towel. He then escorts me to the bedroom where I see my silk night gown waiting for me on the bed. My senses heighten when he warms up my skin with this vanilla scented Shea butter and dresses me. He turns the light off and lit my favorite vanilla candles. Somehow I ended up in his arms and then carried into bed. The night ends with passionate kisses and a comforting booty rub.
Rule 4: sensual without the sex is needed too, don't forget that! Wow, today makes a year, it's been a whole year. I'm shocked that someone managed to stick by me for this long. I've been in love with this fool for a year, just completely smitten. He spent the past weekend at his old college buddies spot out of town and was supposed to be flying in today. But, as always there is some unexpected fuckery. He calls to tell me that he won't be able to make in for our anniversary. Can you believe this negro? I wanted yell, scream, curse, cry, beg, and plea all at once but whatever, it's always something with him. I went to bed feeling empty, as if something was stolen from me. I never resented him so much, but honestly it's out of his control. I woke up the next morning just pissed off as ever, probably even more. Time progressed until the afternoon, and I didn't hear a peep from the kid. Finally, my phone breaks it's dormant behavior and that T-Mobile jingle begins to blast. It's him. "Happy Anniversary Babe", I hung the phone up, like who does he think he is. He called again, I ignored it so he decides to text me. The text read "ordered you pizza because I know you're mad at me, pizza guy should be there soon, so be on the look out" Great, not only did he piss me off, he buys me pizza so I could be angry and fat. *rolls eyes* Ugh, finally the bell rings and I grab my cup of tea and sluggishly approached the door. Tears just rolled down my face. There I was presented with something greater than pizza, the love of my life holding pizza and daisies. "I told you before, happy anniversary babe"
Rule number 3: the element of surprise works in your favor. Utilize it. I ran into my ex on 125th and Lenox. It was quite a strange experience; the atmosphere was heavy and saying hello just seemed like the mature thing to do. Things between us ended horribly, but you know I'm happier now, I just, I mean we just never got that sense of closure. Days later, he found me on Facebook and invited me out to lunch, this would be my opportunity to seize that chance of "goodbye" that we never received. But, do I tell my man. Would he trust my decision to meet up with a past lover over bad food and cheap drinks? I don't think so. I go anyways, allowing myself to get back that piece of me that he was hoarding, for whatever selfish reasons, is way more important than his opinion. The day of this "date" is finally here, I somewhat regret doing this because we all know closure is total bull. I spot him, he shaved and got a clean fade. He knew this was my favorite look. damn, he's beautiful, but that's not my purpose, I need to stay focused. We spoke, we laughed, and, we dined just like old times. It felt good, it was a warming sensation that became so foreign to me. But I realized that you can miss something and not want it back. My man now, is that exactly, a man. He gives me this warmth times 10. He wouldn't jeopardize our relationship for temporary desires as my old joint did. I know he will be hurt and even angry when I tell him that I convened with my past, but I think it's pretty damn reassuring that he's everything and more that our ancestors could have ever blessed anyone with, he's my blessing.
Rule number two: leave your past alone, sometimes you're better off without it. We met each other a few months back. I think it's safe to say that it is love, but I just don't want to get ahead of myself, again. There's this sense of calmness in the atmosphere whenever we touch; it's eerily euphoric. I don't know why but everything just feels so right, I just learned to trust whatever omens come my way. He calls and tells me to get ready, he's treating me to dinner tonight. What to wear, what to wear? This is the only sense of anxiety that plagues me, keeping him happy and satisfied when I'm with him. I want to appeal to every sense of his body without touch, the perfect outfit just adds to the ambiance, right? After rummaging through my closet, I find this beautiful red, silk dress. It hugs my body ever so close. I delight my skin in coconut oil and lightly fragranced perfume. Mascara and a beautiful plum color on my lips. I'm ready. The uber is waiting for me outside & it takes me to this unknown place. The scenery feels familiar, why does this look like his neighborhood? Oh it is. Maybe the uber is going to pick him up as well and we'll be on our way to some restaurant. I wait for a little in the car and then he comes out with the slightest puzzled face, "babe, come on out, what are you waiting on?" Okay now I'm even more confused. He tells me that I'm a little over dressed for what he has planned and now disappointment possesses my face. He gingerly inserted his key into his door and in front of us was a beautiful candle lit dinner.
Though the dinner date wasn't what I planned it to be, you notice that it's the simple pleasures in life that keep you satisfied. Money isn't all. That's my first rule for love, to you. |
A'maara L.A Guide to Blk Love Archives
May 2020
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